Anyone you Want
by avril
Summary: Here we go - after party I decided to give away LOTR characters - see the adds! And choose the one you want
1. Ads

(f) Disclaimer: OK, I confess, I confess (dramatic break) - it is me, me who actually own Lotr characters - wanna have some? Because I'm giving them away. FOR FREE!  
  
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You can have:  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
category **WE LOVE THEM (OR NOT)**  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
- one dark creature called Sauron in need of repair (he is still evil but can't harm anymore), shaped as an eye (gothic style)  
  
TIP OF THE DAY: Great for Halloween parties!  
  
code: BAD GUYS ROCK (1 item)  
  
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- one very little used dwarf Gimli (with the book "Mines of Moria for Dummies & Elves") (+ dozen of axes for several occasions - from pink Barbie-style axe for kids party to silver cyber axe with DVD-player)  
  
code: BARBIE SUCKS, BEARDED DUDES RULE (14 items)  
  
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- 4 as new, still wrapped hobbits (original wrapping)  
  
WARNING! Don't feed them with lembas-stuff if you wanna keep your apartment in the way you like it.  
  
code: MERRY PARTY SET (4 items)  
  
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- one good preserved Ranger and King of Gondor /Aragorn/ in great shape (I forced him to work out *a lot*)  
  
+ BONUS Arwen Undominel - nice present for your boyfriend while you entertain yourself with Aragorn ...  
  
or you can have Play station instead of Arwen  
  
code: MAN 4 YOU (2 items)  
  
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and finally... category **SIMPLY MUST-HAVES**  
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- one very worn out elf Legolas, but he still have all of his ORIGINAL EQUIPMENT (includes:)  
  
shinny blond hair (need to be brushed every 6 minutes, washed every day with L'Oreal shampoo for special elvish hair - **'cause he is worth it!**) (ok, that's part of the reason why I'm giving Leggy away)  
  
one changeable pair of eyes (brown-blue, depends on the occasion)  
  
matching clothes (space you need: about five full wardrobes)  
  
and other stuff  
  
like perfect skin, uhm, except for scared chest (one kinda neat Sauron sign)... oh yea, and that tattoo - *AVRIL IS PHSYCOTIC AND MANIPULATIVE BITCH* in elvish on his arm)...  
  
otherwise he is almost AS GOOD AS NEW (that includes:)  
  
both long legs,  
  
both elegant yet muscular hands with delicate fingers (with regularly manicured fingernails aka 2 times a week),  
  
firm butt (brand new, never used, at least not in *my fanfic*),  
  
soft yet firm lips with *wild cherry* flavour (used! *a lot*),  
  
pair of sexy pointy ears (they are a bit worn, so be careful while touching it)  
  
+ EXTRA BONUS - silken or leather underwear. It's up to you!  
  
code: 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE (so many items I didn't feel like counting)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
OK, if you are interested just contact me at  
  
  
  
avril505@yahoo.com  
  
subject: wanna one (here put the code of the item you want)  
  
  
  
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""  
  
Mostly available immediately and shipped in few centuries. We guarantee you to get them before the Tenth Age.  
  
Eru the Great promised me his help to sent them via e-mail. They are waiting for you!  
  
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""  
  
Oh, if you would like some old Isthars (Gandalf, Saruman), stewards or its relatives (Boromir, Faramir, etc.), orcs (I have tons of them - Uglyorc1, Uglyorc2,.....to Uglyorc783005), Uruk-hais (piles of them - Badbreath1, Messyhair66, Uglyface9765, Scarface450002....), ents (old, quite old, very old) or elves (blond, dark, Legolaslike, name it!) or men of Gondor or Rohan (women also) not mentioned above let me know.  
  
I will roam through my dusted files in my computer and find them for you.  
  
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IMPORTANT!  
  
I'm so sorry, but I have just run out of Valars and Wargs - they were so cute that my friends took all of them home.  
  
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category **OUTCASTED**  
  
WARNING! Weird fixation on the rings that tend to be evil.  
  
Hey! Want preciousssssssssssss Gollum? Hello? Anyone? (where did all the folk go?)  
  
code: LOVES FISH&RINGS  
  
****************************************************************** Like it? Hate it? Have comments? Tell me in review - the more the better. 


	2. More Ads and Happy Easter

(f) Disclaimer: OK, I confess, I confess (dramatic break) - it is me, me who actually own Lotr characters - wanna have some? Because I'm giving them away. FOR FREE!  
  
  
  
HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL! With lots of chocolate...or elves...or orcs...  
  
  
  
PLUS! I found some more characters in my dusty files...  
  
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One-Winged Angel - one Legolas then  
  
Megham&LeeAnn - interesting. I can send you a "Thank you" basket full of little Orcs and chocolate easter eggs. Would you like that?  
  
Le Ann - for real? What do you think? Me and Eru the Great run a serious business here  
  
Luthien - they are on the way but it could take some ages (Eru has a lot of work, you know)  
  
Brgora John - multipac only (sorry, they don't want to separate - if I would do that Merry would kick me or set my hair on fire)  
  
Ainsley Sloan - Haldy ad just for you, hope you like it  
  
Hm, nobody asked for Aragorn. Because Arwen comes along too or what? I thought that he is supposed to be some kind of hottie. Was I wrong?  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
You can have:  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
category **YOU WANTED**  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
- one little worn elf Elrond but still in great shape (I forced him to work out with Aragorn, you should see his muscles now (sigh - not me)).  
  
+ a pair of sexy eyebrows with remote-control (sigh - not me)  
  
+ set of adorable silver ribbons (7)  
  
and that's not all! You also get 2 big bottles of "Intense Elvish anti- ageing Lotion"  
  
TIP OF THE DAY: Elrond owns a small, cosy place called Rivendell.  
  
code: LUV DOC (more than 12 items)  
  
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category **BOY'S FAVOURITE**  
  
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- one Maiden of Rohan (still in original box), Eowelyn, never used  
  
+ BONUS - one Xena's costume for warm summer nights (with *candy* weapons)  
  
WARNING! She seems to be extremely fond of heavy metal and bearded guys. You can order her if you enclose some kind of proof that you have a least five albums of metal music, that you know the bend The Children of Bodom (hint - they come from Finland) and that you posses a beard (a recent picture will do).  
  
// Sorry, I own them but can't control them! //  
  
code: IRON MAIDEN (14 items)  
  
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category **GIRL'S FAVOURITE**  
  
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- 3 blond Elves from the Elrond's Council (100 % original stuff) - the two blondies that sat on Legolas' right and the one that sat on Legolas' left.  
  
+ BONUS:  
  
- one set of pastel make-up (they insisted on this one, I don't know why but they INSISTED.)  
  
- box of glitter lotion (for long rainy afternoons - heh, that was my suggestion)  
  
WARNING! They have temper and show it if you call them Legolas or use Black Speech.  
  
code: CAREFULLY SORTED SWEETS (5 items) - great for Easter gift  
  
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- one slightly dead eldest son of Steward of Gondor, Boromir, rugged and outdoorsy type of guy  
  
Note: his clothes need to be washed properly (bloodstains) and repaired (because of the holes made by arrows)  
  
+ BONUS: a wide spectre of evil grins (almost evil, medium evil, ring-evil, I-m-gonna-hurt-leggy evil and many, many others)  
  
TIP OF THE DAY: Great present for your stalkers!  
  
You can make him alive again when you need him in your fanfic IF NOT you can keep your pencils in his wounds.  
  
code: GONNA DIE ANOTHER DAY (lots of items)  
  
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and finally... category **SIMPLY MUST-HAVES**  
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- one quite old but very fit and stronger than ever Gandolf The White with shinny white beard and improved magic stick  
  
+ BONUS red and velvet Santa's costume with magic cap that sings "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle Sauron to death" (and set of batteries Sarumancell)  
  
code: HO HO HO X-MAS CLOSE (not sure how many items because i don't know if Santa' costume includes also special red velvet underwear)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
OK, if you are interested just contact me at  
  
  
  
avril505@yahoo.com  
  
subject: wanna one (here put the code of the item you want)  
  
  
  
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""  
  
Mostly available immediately and shipped in few centuries. We guarantee you to get them before the Tenth Age.  
  
Eru the Great promised me his help to sent them via e-mail. They are waiting for you!  
  
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""  
  
If you would like some character that is not on my list please let me know and I will roam through my dusted files (again and again) in my computer and find them for you.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
IMPORTANT!  
  
We still have many Orcs and Uruk-hais. They are not very demanding and like kids *a lot*. They are very useful. You can bully your neighbours with them or make your folks to let you go out with the guy/girl they hate. Really useful creatures. (I would like to get rid of them, I admit.)  
  
**If you prefer them in furry form let me know - dr. Morgoth has been recently working hard on their cloning. (He refused to try and clone Legolas or any one from the Gray company. Except Gimli....(pause)...yea, who wants two Gimli? I couldn't give away even one. )  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
category **OUTCASTED**  
  
WARNING! Weird fixation on female blonds that like heavy metal.  
  
- one used and beaten traitor Wormtongue, nicely.... hey, where did all the folk go? ...well, nicely tanned (big thanks to me! and six tubes of self- tanning lotion) and with brand new porcelain teeth (that was expensive)  
  
code: 40 LICKS (yack! grouse! that's me) (1 sleazy and grouse item)  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Like it? Hate it? Have comments? Tell me in review - the more the better. 


	3. Haldir ad

Big sorry Ainsley Sloan (it happened that Haldir has hidden his add somewhere in my BtVS files just to annoy me - and now Haldy add just for you, hope you like it  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
You can have:  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
category **YOU WANTED**  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
- one elf Haldir, used just once (killed actually) (but fully repaired - no bloodstains, no arrow holes, no messy hair) - looks like brand new model from Vogue magazine  
  
+ BONUS  
  
set of sexy wigs for every opportunity (that includes:)  
  
one long, shiny blond wig for long walks in woods;  
  
one shinny blond wig with little braids for pillow fights;  
  
one very sexy damp wig (dark blond or *dunkelblont* in German, all of the highest quality) for long hot bubble baths (not inflammable, so you can use as many candles as you want),  
  
one shiny blond wig called *messy-in-the-morning-but-oh-so-irresistible*) - plus you get a weekend for two in Paris (that means breakfast in bed)  
  
+ set of adorable thongs (you can choose material: silk, leather, lycra and color: emerald green, classic black, passionate red or elvish gray)  
  
TIP OF THE DAY: Spoil yourself! Haldir comes also with three bottles of massage oil and can give *heavenly* foot massage.  
  
code: LUV MACHINE (more than enough items)  
  
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**I hope that I made Haldir luscious enough. Because I would really like to know why people find him so-oh-so-sexy. Any reasons? Beside his set of shiny wigs, of course. 


	4. Ads for Elves and Ents

Disclaimer: OK, I still confess, I confess (dramatic break) - it is me, me who actually own Lotr characters - wanna have some? Because I'm giving them away. FOR FREE!  
  
*********************************************************************** Hey guys thanks. I have finally found out (gasp) why Haldir is such a hottie. He is elvish Mr Darcy! It is LOTR of course, but he is still proud and you know...darcyish.  
  
(I hope that you know J. Austen and her #Pride and Prejudice#) =0)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
I found some more characters in my dusty files...  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Hm, still nobody asked for Aragorn. Because Arwen comes along too or what?  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
You can have:  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
category **MUST-HAVES**  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
- one lovely set of 6 Uruk-hais that come in various colors (muddy brown, sick green, evil gray and more)  
  
+ you get 4 medium-sized Orcs  
  
+ 4 large-sized Esterlings (with great eye make-up, of course)  
  
TIP: very useful for kings and queens of smaller realm that plan to extend their territory with some wicked and evil plan  
  
* if anyone get killed or slain or drown or... we will replace him or his necessary parts immediately ('cause we have more than plenty of them)  
  
code: JACKASSES OF MORDOR (more than 12 items)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
category **BOY'S FAVOURITE**  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
- one rather old but still working she-elf (without shoes), Galadriel  
  
+ BONUS - dozen of dresses that glow in the dark  
  
and you get also one very neat bird-bath that can tell you the future or past or present ... or what will happen or would happen or what won't happen...huh... (it comes with 5 books of instruction...)  
  
WARNING! She seems to be extremely fond of rings and turns into photo- negative every now and then. She can read thoughts too.  
  
+ she can bake dietetic low-fat and tasteless crackers called *lembas*  
  
code: BITCH RULZ (a lot of items)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
category **GIRL'S FAVOURITE**  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
- one slightly bored elf Celeborn, not used *at all* (in his own words)  
  
- real royal blood, aristocratic features, muscular body, grandeur of mind, very modest, floss his teeth after every meal, does not fart in public, likes to watch Oprah and listen to Celin  
  
HIS REQUEST: currently he is looking for a nice mortal (fe)male with a sense for humour. Anyone interested have to send an evidence that (s)he is not a mind-reader or *icy blond dumb princess, nor royal pain-in-the-ass* (Celeborn's own words)  
  
code: I WILL GO ON (one *but priceless and unique* item) /huh...his words again!  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
OK, if you are interested just contact me at  
  
  
  
avril505@yahoo.com  
  
subject: wanna one (here put the code of the item you want)  
  
  
  
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""  
  
Mostly available immediately and shipped in few centuries. We guarantee you to get them before the Tenth Age.  
  
Eru the Great promised me his help to sent them via e-mail. They are waiting for you!  
  
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """"""""""""""""""""""  
  
If you would like some character that is not on my list please let me know and I will roam through my dusted files (again and again) in my computer and find them for you.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
category **OUTCASTED**  
  
- one ent Treebeard that will make your garden stand up and walk (literally)  
  
WARNING!  
  
Very very slow and boring. (I cannot tell who said that...**I WILL NEVER TELL, I WILL NEVER TELLL** /little voice singing/...)  
  
code: 4 TREE-HUGGERS (a lot of items, all natural and not tested on animals...except on Orcs?!)  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Like it? Hate it? Have comments? Tell me in review - the more the better. 


End file.
